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Six grounding questions you can ask yourself to manage your defensiveness
Six grounding questions you can ask yourself to manage your defensiveness
5 minutes
It’s completely normal to feel unsettled or defensive. Sometimes, our bodies react before our brains catch up. You might feel tension, frustration or even embarrassment.
These six grounding questions are here to help you pause, reflect, and respond with clarity. You can use them in the moment, or even revisit a conversation to help make sense of it.
1
What do I usually experience when I’m becoming defensive?
Think back to times when you’ve reacted strongly to situations where you couldn’t help but feel defensive. What did it feel like in your body? Did your shoulders tense up? Did your hands feel all sweaty? How did your head start to feel like?
These physical reactions are early signs that you’re moving into a defensive state. Recognising them can help you pause, rather than react on autopilot.
These physical reactions are early signs that you’re moving into a defensive state. Recognising them can help you pause, rather than react on autopilot.
2
What about this situation is making me defensive?
Try to get specific. Was it the words or the tone used? Did it hit on something you care deeply about? Naming exactly what feels uncomfortable can give you a bit of space to reflect instead of staying stuck in the reaction.
3
What might the other person’s intention be?
When you feel exposed, it can be tempting to assume the other person has bad intentions. But often, the thought behind a tough moment is more constructive than it seems. Thinking about this can help shift you out of self-protection and into curiosity.
4
Is there something useful here? How can it help me?
Even if something was said awkwardly or in the heat of the moment, the message can still hold valuable insight. Is there something that could help you grow or do something differently?
5
What’s something small I can start with?
Instead of thinking about what you did wrong, focus on what you can do. This question is for you to focus on something clear and manageable to help you take a step forward.
Remember: there’s no need to dive in and fix everything straight away.
Remember: there’s no need to dive in and fix everything straight away.
6
How do I want to respond from here?
This question doesn’t look into giving a perfect, snappy reply. Instead, this is about responding in a way that reflects who you want to be. That might mean staying curious, showing patience, or finding a way to stay open in the moment. Giving yourself that choice is where your power begins.
Defensiveness is not a flaw but a sign of your body’s reaction. These questions are here to help you become grounded and respond with more awareness and choice. The more you practise, the more natural it becomes to meet these difficult situations with openness rather than resistance.
Sources
Zucker, R. (n.d.). How to not be defensive. Next Step Partners. Retrieved from https://nextsteppartners.com/how-to-not-be-defensive/
Davey, L. (2023). Understanding defensive behavior in the workplace. Liane Davey. Retrieved from https://lianedavey.com/understanding-defensive-behavior-in-the-workplace/
Davey, L. (2023). Understanding defensive behavior in the workplace. Liane Davey. Retrieved from https://lianedavey.com/understanding-defensive-behavior-in-the-workplace/
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Hellomonday